Dear Reaper,
I need your help settling a debate in our family. My father is an extremely stubborn man. He’s also cheap. He insists he wants to be cremated when he dies. Not for any spiritual reasons, but because it’s the least expensive option. But my mother and I don’t want to burn him up. For Mom, the idea is particularly agonizing. And I think we can find a way to bury him for about the same cost.
What do you think?
– Burial is Best
Dear Burial is Best,
I suspect stubbornness is an inherited trait in your family! You and your mother sound equally as intractable as your father. Will it help if I say all three of you are wrong?
First, let’s examine your father’s assertion that cremation is the least expensive method of disposition. (“Method of disposition” is the funeral industry’s term for getting rid of a body.) While cremation is generally on the cheaper side — especially if you choose direct cremation, where the body is cremated without ceremony and then returned to the family in a simple box — the National Funeral Directors Association reports that the median cost of cremation with a funeral and viewing in the U.S. is $6,280.
In other words, it’s not the cheapest option. That would be donating your body to science, which is free of charge.
You can sign up to donate your body either directly with a research institution or with a private company that will then sell your body to a research institution. The latter option sounds awfully rapacious, doesn’t it? But for what it’s worth, I have some close family friends whose parents donated their corpses via a private company, and my friends were so pleased with the experience that they’ve already signed up with the same company to donate their own bodies someday. Just make sure the company has good reviews and you feel comfortable with them.
If you prefer to go with a research institution directly, the nearest medical school or body farm is probably your best bet. Search online for your location and “anatomical bequest program,” or “willed body program,” or “anthropological research facility.”
Because body donation is typically free — not to mention generous — your dad might get on board. But I’ll bet you and your mom will still be unhappy. You don’t get to choose what kind of research your body is used for, and these institutions might even use different parts of a donated body for different kinds of research. At a medical institution, for example, your father’s torso might go to the students learning autopsies, while his head might go to the plastic-surgeons-in-training. But even if you were okay with that aspect, you wouldn’t like what many of these medical training programs do with the bodies once they’re finished: They cremate them and send them back to the families.
We’ve established that while body donation is less expensive than cremation, your father’s body would still wind up in the same ashy state. Let’s move on to your theory that you could bury your father for the same price as a cremation. I doubt it!
The most recent statistics from the National Funeral Directors Association say the median cost of burial with a funeral and viewing in the U.S. is $8,300. Those numbers are from 2023, so it’s certainly more expensive now. Even if you ditch the funeral and viewing, you’re likely to pay around $2,000 for a lower-end casket. Now factor in the cost for a cemetery plot, plus the labor to open and close that plot, plus a simple grave marker. You’re looking at $5,000 minimum.
I can think of two ways to possibly make burial less expensive.
Option 1: Green burial, sometimes known as natural burial. The body is buried without embalming in a simple, biodegradable shroud or box. You can typically receive a version of green burial in a regular cemetery, as many religious traditions require it. But those cemeteries will still charge their regular rates for the plots themselves and the burial labor. If you can find a dedicated natural burial cemetery in your area, those rates might be cheaper, but there are fewer national statistics available; typically I see rates between $2,000 and $5,000. Visit the Green Burial Council website for a map of conservation cemeteries across the country.
Option 2: Burial on private property. Having a funeral at home is legal in all 50 states; check out the Home Funeral Alliance for details. But burying a body at home is trickier. If your local laws allow for it and if you can do the bulk of the burial work yourself (have you ever tried to lift a dead body?), you’ll be able to save money. You’ll tank your property value, though.
You mention that you don’t want to “burn him up.” If fire is your primary concern, may I suggest water cremation? This process involves the body being placed in a metal chamber with very hot water and an alkaline solution. The soft tissues dissolve, leaving only bones. The bones are ground in a cremulator and presented to the family as ashes. That last bit is exactly what happens during a fire cremation, by the way. “Ashes” are just a pretty euphemism for bone dust.
The trouble with water cremation is that it’s not available in every state. While it’s much better for the environment than fire cremation, you’ll have to pay to ship the body to the nearest provider, plus cover the costs of the cremation itself, which is usually somewhere between $2,000 and $5,000. Your father won’t like that.
I know my response has been somewhat flippant, but I do sympathize with you and your mother’s position. In this temporarily hypothetical scenario, your father will be dead, so aren’t you and your mother’s feelings more important? You’re the ones who will be in emotional pain, not him.
But ultimately, it’s your father’s body, and it’s his choice. Let’s turn the tables for a moment. Your mother doesn’t seem keen on cremation. Imagine she were to die first, and your father cremated her because he thought saving money was more important than her wishes. Wouldn’t you be furious?
Rather than continuing to debate this topic, I’d recommend having more in-depth conversations with your parents. Maybe your father has other reasons for preferring cremation besides the cost. Maybe he doesn’t realize how genuinely devastating his preference is for your mother. And now that you’ve read this letter, you can ensure your parents understand that there are other options besides traditional burial and fire cremation. Take the opportunity to make end-of-life plans together while you still have the chance.
— Reaper